rolled up sleeves

One thing that consistently makes me feel happier is reading and learning. It's that stretching of my mind, the widening of the window I have onto myself and this world. Not only is there genuine awe and wonder, but your mind is also occupied and has no chance to tune back to the angst. I mean damn, I simply hadn't heard of current concerns about uncontrolled proliferation of nanotech, or the Fermi paradox, until just a few hours ago. And the ride is sweet.

Note to self.. Boredom and misery are in part just our imaginations lacking.

random

at the moment, there seems to be a shortage of juice.. that rejuvenating force within that makes you roll up your sleeves and say lets do this shit.. there is a huge loss, of course, and I suspect that no matter how well I think I have adapted, its full effect has yet to come.. and there is parenthood :) boy, didnt see that coming did we? its the sleep, stupid! dont underestimate sleep.. but it's even more than that.. a deeper, more subtle juice.. does it really matter? why does it seem that on balance, things aint that peachy? that it may not be all good? that to come up with a way to think otherwise is tantamount to building a pretty facade?

of course, this all could be a delusion just the same.. talk about fractals..

things that were good, real good, seem transparent.. staged.. empty? mindfulness and flow seem to be contradictory.. the bad isnt as bad, as if the mind has learned a new trick.. but all pointing the same way.. who cares? no one.. I am not me and there isnt a single other human being that will ever know me, or be on the same page (except for those brilliant, fleeting moments of connection..) when you see it all the way (I have bad vision..), it seems you are ultimately alone and stuck with a brain that does its own shit.. great. now what? where do we go from there and why should we?

should we go at all? at the moment, it seems that we should, to not go at all seems especially closed minded.. of all the illusions, the changing nature of things does seem more real :) (simple optimism vs pessimism?)

so.. its the juice. but we gotta make juice.. it seems that work is required, a certain kind of getientate ;) AND, you gotta do it unconditionally, thats the key.. pay it forward. get up, work, sweat a little, and then see whats happening.. even if no fruit is forthcoming, you got up and worked up a sweat.. the ol' 'struggle is enough'.. its evident, however, that there are times when you straight up dont think the struggle is enough and would break both legs of anyone who'd claim otherwise... permanent limitation? are drugs necessary? positive psychology? more sleep? anything?

hmm. will continue pondering

so presumably, you begin your path with a strong understanding of the other.. you quickly realize that its a me vs them type of game, and you get good at it.. the intuitive and rampant judging that originates somewhere in the bowls of your brain, then broadcast on every channel of your consciousness.. is almost inevitable. until, one day you realize it works both ways.. great, they think I am crazy too. and then, perchance, you realize you agree with them.. you see, we are all in this crazy boat, together, trying to duke it out, trying to make more money, trying to own more things, shinier things, trying to make everyone think you are less crazy and way cool! trying to make things happen just the way you thought they ought to've.. trying to matter, to make something of yourself, to leave a mark.

you gotta smile
in fact, some of the best fun I have is rewinding my trains of thought.. hilarious

of course, you dont wanna walk around and be visibly laughing at yourself.. people might think you are crazy

Alvie's almost 1

Alvie is turning 1 tomorrow. She is in that comfy zone right now where enough communication has been established with parents and she doesnt need to cry every five minutes. Works out great for everyone.. She has started to refer to specific objects with specific words. So after 15 minutes of looking at Baby magazine, and my repeating the word baby a few dozen times, she exploded into an excited DEY-DEE! I can't get enough of it :)

She is also up to about 3 or 4 animal sound associations, and if told to do a monkey, will make a surprised monkey face and actuall say 'ooh ooh'. Starting to cruise around her room and actively play with toys.

Witnessing these moments is wonderful.

humbled

Live and learn.
Absolutely crazy move. Had a little bit of everything.. Unliftable boxes, scattered photographs in the lobby, dead car batteries, skipped meals, a little sweatin :) We even got locked IN at the old apt. Good times.

Many a lesson to be learned. Preparation, time management, follow up. Oh, and 11 month old babies do not help with moving at all. In fact... raahight. Friends on the other hand do help - much appreciated.

Sitting at work and RESTING :) Glad we are done, and looking forward to getting the place up and running.

Very humbling.

everyone is insane.. some more than others

There I was, standing in my boss' office, listening to his brainstorming of how I should deal with an issue that came up with a new account launch. Nothing earth shattering. And yet.. important enough to analyze the various ways we could proceed, and keep repeating the key points over and over. And then, in a flash of absurd awareness, he sighs and says: "God, I am repeating myself over and over. You must find me soo annoying!"

My eyeballs, which at that moment were rolled up, suddenly rolled back down and bulged a little. WTF, I thought, as thoughts of Socrates and an examined life suddenly made everything much more interesting. Could it be?! Did my manager just take a small step towards transcending his own monkey brain? I was eagerly awaiting the logical conclusion, something close to: "You know what to do, go do it."

Not so fast. Awareness disappeared as quickly as it appeared. Poof, gone. My boss was BACK, better than ever! "Ok, so what I would do, is call blah blah and email blah and cc blah and make sure that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Oh, and remember, we need to blah blah blah blah. OR. Let me see. Hmm. Maybe we should blah blah blah."

My eye balls are tired of rolling.



So. Presented with clear glimpses of our own insanity, why do we so often chose NOT to examine it deeper? To ponder fresher, more mindful ways of thinking and acting. How honest are we with ourselves, really?

WHO IS DRIVING THE BUS?

cruisin

Alvie started crawling. It happened the weekend of her turning 10 months. Poolside, on a blanket, trying to reach some random blue thing.

Incredible to watch the tipping point of discovery. Lean forward, get up on one knee, almost take off with the other, sit back down. Repeat 20 times. And then, however jittery, the second knee takes off and Alvie takes a little step, eyes gleaming with concentration and wonder. She then sits back down, relaxes into a huge smile, and joins the applause. And so begins the great crawlin.

Coming back to earth from the sublime joy, wife and I quickly understood two things.

One - gotta watch her even more now. I couldnt believe how quickly Alvie can start at point A and end at point B - head first. Gravity 101 for her, and Change 701 for us.

Two - once in the crib, Alvie proceeds to roll, crawl back, and sit up in all of about 2 seconds. Every time. Ah, Alvie, dearest, its 10pm. Why dont you give mommy and daddy a hint of free time. A whiff. Maybe a gentle breeze from Free Time city. Pretty please? My Sinatra interpretations are now useless..

All part of the struggle. Sublime, ordinary, difficult, effortless. All changing, all flowing. And yes, the struggle is enough. And then some.

volatility much?

Lets see. We've got a couple of wars going on, terror, financial anxiety, natural disasters, and pollution of untold magnitude. Add to that the fact that I am still trying to get over a head cold today, and you can understand the elevated stress levels. Kinda makes me wanna slow down and enjoy the amazing weather this early May has presented us with. The gentle breeze, the warm embrace of sunlight, the blue vastness of the sky.

Before I go outside for a stroll down Angelus Drive, some random thoughts:

- not sure I like the term 'hung parliament'.. surely we could all come up with more professional terminology.. but then again, who the hell cares what I like and what I dont like.. I am not even sure I care too much

- Jim Cramer was hilarious yesterday.. 'buy Proctor!.... sell Proctor!.... someone better be buying me dinner at Ruth's tonight!'

- several times a day I feel a strong urge to take a week off, drive down south, and spend a few days just washing and feeding birds, and..

- several times a day my wife calls and reminds me that I gotta wash and feed Alvie when I get home..

- I love push ups

- wife + baby + beer = good times

g chat status categories

Lets see..

There is your ever-optimistic-in-world-peace-and-prosperity "here is a link to a cool site that lets little Indian and Pakistani girls chat online and be friends. I am cool!"

There is the inside job "damn girl, that was one wicked night! We are cool!"

There is the amateurish "here is a link to my blog. Read it, cause I am way cool."

There is the lest-we-forget slogan "Today is Flag Day.. here is a link to all the flags ever created. Way cool!"

There is the narcissistic "on my way to loads of fun, sorry you are at work, biatches, damn, I am cool."

There is the either absurd or totally-inside-joke-like "Not sure if you will succeed.. But good luck."

There is the almost-nihilistic "its all good, mon."

What am I missing??

From the 'things I have always wanted to do but didnt even know that I did' series

We have undoubtedly all seen it in adventure movies. A fervent treasure seeker makes his way to an old book containing clues of magnificent proportions, slowly picks it up, and marveling for a second in anticipation, gently blows on it in order to get the dust off. Magic moment; so pregnant with possibilities. It's like your imagination cracking its knuckles and rolling up its sleeves.

And so there I was, in a dusty chaos of renovation, picking up a friend's copy of Christa Tippett's Speaking of Faith. Alas, the poor book spent a few days in the middle of all sorts of demolition, and was covered in dust.

Drum roll, please. Begin magic moment! I pick up the book, and noticing all the dust, slowly and very deliberately blow across its surface. Pooof! The dust rushes off the book and forms a fleeting, amorphous cloud. I could have sworn I was Indiana Jones right then.

Daydream

Gagarin suddenly realized that he was daydreaming.

In a momentary jolt of awaking awareness, he thought back through the last 5 minutes of his mind activity. 5 minutes. It turned out, he thought, that there were 3 distinct trains of thought that passed along in the space of 5 minutes.

First was a hypothetical experience with mild altering substances. Gagarin imagined himself and a few select others enjoying the roller coaster sensations of questioned and altered reality of every day. He relished in the richness - of joy, connection, and physical euphoria - this experience would allow. He may have even smiled to himself.

He then quickly switched his thoughts to his surroundings. He sat in the middle of a small wooded patch on the outskirts of a small town. He then took on a "role" of a public radio journalist, reporting on All Things Considered.

Melissa Block: .. some residents even say there is a serious problem of noise pollution. To talk more about that, we called a professional pilot - Gagarin. Welcome to the program, Gagarin.

Gagarin: Thank you, it's a pleasure.

Melissa Block: And as I understand, you are - right now - in the middle of the last wooded patch in your town?

Gagarin: That is correct.

Melissa Block: So you are surrounded by trees and can't see anyone! And what do you hear?

Gagarin: I hear noise from two different construction sites.

Melissa Block: And Gagarin, briefly, do you find it annoying?

Gagarin: It's actually not a bother. It would be nice though to hear the birds a little better.

Melissa Block: Thank you Gagarin.

Gagarin: The pleasure is all mine Melissa.

And just as quickly, Gagarin switched his thoughts again, this time to the fact that he was sitting in shade. That he enjoyed sitting in shade, and not being pounded ceaselessly by all the uvas and uvbs and maybe even some uvcs since we got them holes in the big OZO layer. Gagarin even remembered his darling wife who is so adamant about protection. He may have smiled again.

And then BAM. Awareness. Swooooosh, self-reference established, and riiiiiight back we go. Swwooooosh. And again. "I was just daydreaming, wow, just sittin in the grass and daydreaming," thought Gagarin. "I had these 3 thoughts, hmm. Interesting." Gagarin recounted all 3. "Wait? Was I aware or not? I definitely was not too present, leme tell ya. First thought I had - I was living a hypothetical event in my mind. Second, I was pretending to give a news report - how amateurish! And why to Melissa Block and not Robert Siegel?? And the third thought was about avoiding cancer. Damn." Gagarin was amazed.

He wondered how difficult of a task continuous awareness seemed to be. He also wondered at how monotonous and sterile the constant feedback looked to him in that moment. "Was I not happy just now, for 5 whole minutes, even in the midst of mindless daydreaming?" Gagarin asked himself. He knew he was.

What say you?

I say that it comes down to freedom and choice.

Freedom to be aware. My conclusion is that we don't really know. That every time we think we know, it is but an abstract understanding frozen in time and space. Which is not to say that it is not true is some sense. Just that it is not necessarily, absolutely true. After all, if one were to zoom out, to become open enough to let in a different perspective, one would not be left with many hard line convictions, and even those that would remain would be clearly seen as personal and ultimately random.

And as far as choice, I primarily see it as a choice to let be and let go. Knowing that I don't really know, how can it be otherwise? The letting go part is key thou. To not be attached to your beliefs, or desires, or views. To forgive others and, more importantly, yourself. To not be hostage to anger, or to egotism, or to judgement. To lay down your weapons.

And the result? A greater chance for love and happiness. Nothing less. Whether in philosophical notions or in practical everyday life (which are one and the same - just a matter of consciousness), I say let us celebrate life by being more mindful and more loving.

Pretty please?

Wabbits

My one and only picked me up from work one day, and as I came out she pointed to a rabbit sitting in the grass near the office building. Cute bunny. Never seen one around here before. The same happened a couple of month later, and again, there was the bunny.

Uh, bunny, what is up bro? I have seen you twice now, both times after my wife's sweet "Look, bunny!" And I been here 2 years now.

So I started thinking about this. Rather simple analysis of WHY I NEVER SEE THE BUNNY UNLESS MY WIFE IS RIGHT THERE. Nothing earth shattering. Couple of leading hypotheses..

1. My wife BRINGS the bunny with her..... mm, unlikely. That would be absurd.
2. The bunny lives nearby, is often around, but I have not seen him before. Very possible. But 2 years? AND both times with wife around?? I smell absurd.
3. The bunny is shy, and only feels comfortable around my loving wife. When its just me, the bunny knows to stay clear. When my wife is around, the bunny knows there is plenty of love and petting to be had and so emerges from the bushes.

My wife did always think she was an alien. To be explored..

So, bunny, dude, it's cool. Don't be afraid lil fella, I wont hurt you. I am not even eating that much meat these days. Come out and play little Stepashka.

Микроб, играй!

How absurd of you, Anton.



Chekhov, bravo. Who knew? I didn't really. Not until you pay attention do you really KNOW. And even then, who knows :) But Uncle Vanya captivated my mind and didn't let go until its half bitter, half hopeful 'we'll rest.'

What really impressed me was the breadth of ideas, and at the same time the attention paid to details which in turn weave a complex tapestry of provincial life in Russia. Like a small window into history, this play brought to life the raw despair and futility of so many. Poverty, boredom, sameness. And yet, as if in one of many desperate attempts not to capitulate, absurdity shines through and gloom gives way to a smile.

- А хорошая сегодня погода... Не жарко...

Пауза.

- В такую погоду хорошо повеситься...

Camus would have been proud. Wonder if he ever read this :)

Perhaps even more interesting is Chekhov's unabashed passions and convictions, emphasized openly, boldly and honestly, even as he is fully aware of the absurd.

Не правда ли, сударыня? Надо быть безрассудным варваром, чтобы жечь в своей печке эту красоту, разрушать то, чего мы не можем создать. Человек одарен разумом и творческою силой, чтобы преумножать то, что ему дано, но до сих пор он не творил, а разрушал. Лесов все меньше и меньше, реки сохнут, дичь перевелась, климат испорчен, и с каждым днем земля становится все беднее и безобразнее. (Войницкому.) Вот ты глядишь на меня с иронией, и все, что я говорю, тебе кажется не серьезным и... и, быть может, это в самом деле чудачество, но, когда я прохожу мимо крестьянских лесов, которые я спас от порубки, или когда я слышу, как шумит мой молодой лес, посаженный моими руками, я сознаю, что климат немножко и в моей власти, и что если через тысячу лет человек будет счастлив, то в этом немножко буду виноват и я. Когда я сажаю березку и потом вижу, как она зеленеет и качается от ветра, душа моя наполняется гордостью, и я... (Увидев работника, который принес на подносе рюмку водки.) Однако... (пьет) мне пора. Все это, вероятно, чудачество, в конце концов. Честь имею кланяться!

Bravo. Here's to you Anton, and to your mindful creativity.

I'm not the only one..

Eyes closed, I stare at the sun.

Not much to see, and yet brilliantly illuminated hues of orange come crashing into my mind. Close eyes a little tighter, and it's pink. Scarlet even. Eyes barely closed, and it's the brightest yellow imaginable.

And closer to me, somewhere between my mind and the light, are the ameoba-like distortions of my eyes. Those funky see-through lines and dots that move when you try to look at them. As if I put a hair under a simple microscope, and keep looking at it, unfocused.

Staring at the sun, I chase the little ameobas across the bright orange.

Water

Ah, water. Keep coming back to water, whether to calm the mind or invigorate the body. Water seems to invite one to be right there. To bathe in its warm vastness. To have a moment's reflection. To let go and play.

Whether a lake in Guatemala, a waterfall in Costa Rica, or my good ol' Hudson River in da Bronx, we keep coming back to water.

Slow down?

Been thinking about this for a while.
Just heard about the new Nielsen report that talked about increasing media multi-tasking. We are apparently spending about 3.5 hours a week watching TV and surfing the web at the same time. Brought to mind all the times I have observed the world around me continually increasing its rpms. Are we going too fast and doing too much? Is there any objectivity in this matter?

Maybe it's laziness, but I keep observing that I very much enjoy slowing down. Meditation is the ultimate slow down, and after some early struggles, I have learned to love that slow, silent space. To sit and do nothing at all. Not easy for someone with a mild case of ADD. At the core of this is attention, it seems. About the ability to keep attention gently focused on ONE thing. When I sit in the morning, that thing is breathing. It can also be cooking, eating, walking, even washing dishes (which is great, cause washing dishes used to be torture). Whatever it is, there is all of a sudden much more interest in what is being experienced, a great vitality of sorts. Boredom is transcended by the simplicity and wonder of the experience.

Why damn it, why did this not come to me in college?? I swear I could have had a PhD or two by now.

But regardless of when it comes, I am grateful that I now know about my ability to pay attention. That it can be applied, and cultivated, and refined. I often find myself deliberately focusing all my attention on whoever is speaking to me. How simple, and yet how ubiquitously illusive... Or noticing the taste of food in my mouth. Or feeling the road under the tires of my bike. Fascinating.

Of course, the other side of this is that multi-tasking is often useful and productivity is greatly increased. We can't all chill out and chew each bite 40 times and only pay attention to one thing at time. Or can we?

Kinda makes me wanna go back to school.

Mom

Each moment has to die before a new one is born. And so with us. As John Keats put it, our names are 'writ in water.' We know this; and yet we often succumb to the great depths of sadness and regret. At times, it hurts like hell. At times the negative charge is too much, and there are violent releases of this negativity.

But as time goes on, I realize that my thoughts are not merely products of randomness and circumstance. I realize that I do have, at least in some capacity, an ability to choose my course of thought. I realize that, however amateurishly, I am able to rein in the beast that is my mind. To slow it down for a short while and have it catch its breath. And I am very grateful for this.

I loved mom and continue to love her now. Her warmth and support. Her tireless desire to care for her children. Her love for her family. Her resigned and peaceful outlook on life. Her fantabulous cookery. She lives in all of us and it's important to celebrate this. To let the sad be and instead give due to the wonderful energy and warm memories that never leave. As the insightful Ludwig Bemelmans noted:

"For such as I, then, all is here and now, the rewards and the miracles. They are the green tree, the sunrise, and all the things we sing about – the jet plane, the paintbrush and the easel, the cadets of West Point, and especially children, most of all babies with their grave, observant eyes…

In spite of all that, that black moods descend on upon me, and consolation is hard to find….I lie on my own couch, suspended in cosmic gloom, the eye turned inward, and it takes awhile to console myself.

There are two cures. One is to work; all misery fades when I work, but I can’t work all of the time. The other is to celebrate. I, the confirmed lover of life and professor of happiness, look as we all must at life, and at the approaching day when we can only hope to be mourned for. I get hungry again and have to hurry to and reassure myself with another good bottle and a fine meal, and after the coffee I look through the blue smoke of my good cigar. I sit in the melancholy mood that is like cello music and search for the answers we shall never know…

People such as I live by rules of their own. We are not happy with the comforts that the group offers. We are off-horses, misfits… In the design that has been imposed upon humanity we are solitary, self-appointed outcasts. Outcast is too dramatic a word; let’s call us alonegoers. That also is not quite true, for I seek people and like them, but still in their midst I am alone…

My life has been colored mostly be a period spent in the army as a medic in the violent wards of an insane hospital… I learned there also to regard death as a generous manifestation, and to love life all the more for this discovery. And for the good of the soul I learned to step outside of myself, to forget the “I”, which is the key to happiness.”

But how difficult it is at times to step outside of myself. And yet, not impossible. Here is to possibility, then. And also, here is to the professor of happiness. Thank you for the insight.

ps. Thanks also to Rick and Inigo @ whoistheabsurdman.blogspot.com, you guys rock.

Who's driving the bus?

I am becoming more and more aware of the dichotomy in my own mind.

In the red corner we have the emotional brain. It wants to drive the bus all day long. And if no one else steps up, thats what happens. All day long I judge, criticize, fear, dread, escape, avoid, and skim - all saturated in your very basic and ubiquitous suffering.

And in the blue corner, representing the very latest in human evolution, is the mindful brain. Now this is the real deal - this brain is self-aware. Awareness that has become aware of itself. And while there are some deep questions that remain unanswered, this is the brain that more and more often takes over the wheel of the bus. It is also petitioning to become my designated bus driver.

And while the mindful brain has all my support, I often wonder whether this whole circus is yet another delusion. Perhaps. Cause we cant really know, now can we? It seems there are questions that we not only have no answers to, but may also not be able to arrive at.

And it is critical that we accept this. If there is any chance we can transcend our daily suffering and find some peace of mind, we need to let go and accept that some questions will remain unanswered. And so the struggle continues.. I accept my emotional brain, but I deliberately choose to be more mindful. This is wide and deep enough to be explored well into my senile years.

Hey sun

The sun is back after 4 days of rain.

Thanks for checking in, sun. No, seriously, thank you for hanging in there. Wherever you are hanging (8 light minutes?). It is most definitely good to come outside and instantly be enveloped in warmth and light. And if you think about all the vitamin D that gets produced, damn, what are we waiting for? Go outside and say hello to the sun.

lets proceed..

It's time to start this. It's time to begin putting down words and ideas. Don't know exactly why now. But the time has come.

Lets definitely begin by saying that these random and absurd ideas are best shared with those closest to you. Face to face. In the shimmering light of a camp fire. Over a bottle of something strong and an obese joint. But alas, we are not in Kansas. We are very likely in Greenwich, CT, tucked away in a tiny office with no windows. Thus - in the spirit of not letting the perfect be the enemy of the good - we be bloggin.

Also, not everything is going to be original, so I will try give credit where credit is due. But in general, these entries will be as much observational, as they will be offspring-ing of conversations and reading.

Onwards then.