random

at the moment, there seems to be a shortage of juice.. that rejuvenating force within that makes you roll up your sleeves and say lets do this shit.. there is a huge loss, of course, and I suspect that no matter how well I think I have adapted, its full effect has yet to come.. and there is parenthood :) boy, didnt see that coming did we? its the sleep, stupid! dont underestimate sleep.. but it's even more than that.. a deeper, more subtle juice.. does it really matter? why does it seem that on balance, things aint that peachy? that it may not be all good? that to come up with a way to think otherwise is tantamount to building a pretty facade?

of course, this all could be a delusion just the same.. talk about fractals..

things that were good, real good, seem transparent.. staged.. empty? mindfulness and flow seem to be contradictory.. the bad isnt as bad, as if the mind has learned a new trick.. but all pointing the same way.. who cares? no one.. I am not me and there isnt a single other human being that will ever know me, or be on the same page (except for those brilliant, fleeting moments of connection..) when you see it all the way (I have bad vision..), it seems you are ultimately alone and stuck with a brain that does its own shit.. great. now what? where do we go from there and why should we?

should we go at all? at the moment, it seems that we should, to not go at all seems especially closed minded.. of all the illusions, the changing nature of things does seem more real :) (simple optimism vs pessimism?)

so.. its the juice. but we gotta make juice.. it seems that work is required, a certain kind of getientate ;) AND, you gotta do it unconditionally, thats the key.. pay it forward. get up, work, sweat a little, and then see whats happening.. even if no fruit is forthcoming, you got up and worked up a sweat.. the ol' 'struggle is enough'.. its evident, however, that there are times when you straight up dont think the struggle is enough and would break both legs of anyone who'd claim otherwise... permanent limitation? are drugs necessary? positive psychology? more sleep? anything?

hmm. will continue pondering