rolled up sleeves

One thing that consistently makes me feel happier is reading and learning. It's that stretching of my mind, the widening of the window I have onto myself and this world. Not only is there genuine awe and wonder, but your mind is also occupied and has no chance to tune back to the angst. I mean damn, I simply hadn't heard of current concerns about uncontrolled proliferation of nanotech, or the Fermi paradox, until just a few hours ago. And the ride is sweet.

Note to self.. Boredom and misery are in part just our imaginations lacking.

random

at the moment, there seems to be a shortage of juice.. that rejuvenating force within that makes you roll up your sleeves and say lets do this shit.. there is a huge loss, of course, and I suspect that no matter how well I think I have adapted, its full effect has yet to come.. and there is parenthood :) boy, didnt see that coming did we? its the sleep, stupid! dont underestimate sleep.. but it's even more than that.. a deeper, more subtle juice.. does it really matter? why does it seem that on balance, things aint that peachy? that it may not be all good? that to come up with a way to think otherwise is tantamount to building a pretty facade?

of course, this all could be a delusion just the same.. talk about fractals..

things that were good, real good, seem transparent.. staged.. empty? mindfulness and flow seem to be contradictory.. the bad isnt as bad, as if the mind has learned a new trick.. but all pointing the same way.. who cares? no one.. I am not me and there isnt a single other human being that will ever know me, or be on the same page (except for those brilliant, fleeting moments of connection..) when you see it all the way (I have bad vision..), it seems you are ultimately alone and stuck with a brain that does its own shit.. great. now what? where do we go from there and why should we?

should we go at all? at the moment, it seems that we should, to not go at all seems especially closed minded.. of all the illusions, the changing nature of things does seem more real :) (simple optimism vs pessimism?)

so.. its the juice. but we gotta make juice.. it seems that work is required, a certain kind of getientate ;) AND, you gotta do it unconditionally, thats the key.. pay it forward. get up, work, sweat a little, and then see whats happening.. even if no fruit is forthcoming, you got up and worked up a sweat.. the ol' 'struggle is enough'.. its evident, however, that there are times when you straight up dont think the struggle is enough and would break both legs of anyone who'd claim otherwise... permanent limitation? are drugs necessary? positive psychology? more sleep? anything?

hmm. will continue pondering

so presumably, you begin your path with a strong understanding of the other.. you quickly realize that its a me vs them type of game, and you get good at it.. the intuitive and rampant judging that originates somewhere in the bowls of your brain, then broadcast on every channel of your consciousness.. is almost inevitable. until, one day you realize it works both ways.. great, they think I am crazy too. and then, perchance, you realize you agree with them.. you see, we are all in this crazy boat, together, trying to duke it out, trying to make more money, trying to own more things, shinier things, trying to make everyone think you are less crazy and way cool! trying to make things happen just the way you thought they ought to've.. trying to matter, to make something of yourself, to leave a mark.

you gotta smile
in fact, some of the best fun I have is rewinding my trains of thought.. hilarious

of course, you dont wanna walk around and be visibly laughing at yourself.. people might think you are crazy

Alvie's almost 1

Alvie is turning 1 tomorrow. She is in that comfy zone right now where enough communication has been established with parents and she doesnt need to cry every five minutes. Works out great for everyone.. She has started to refer to specific objects with specific words. So after 15 minutes of looking at Baby magazine, and my repeating the word baby a few dozen times, she exploded into an excited DEY-DEE! I can't get enough of it :)

She is also up to about 3 or 4 animal sound associations, and if told to do a monkey, will make a surprised monkey face and actuall say 'ooh ooh'. Starting to cruise around her room and actively play with toys.

Witnessing these moments is wonderful.

humbled

Live and learn.
Absolutely crazy move. Had a little bit of everything.. Unliftable boxes, scattered photographs in the lobby, dead car batteries, skipped meals, a little sweatin :) We even got locked IN at the old apt. Good times.

Many a lesson to be learned. Preparation, time management, follow up. Oh, and 11 month old babies do not help with moving at all. In fact... raahight. Friends on the other hand do help - much appreciated.

Sitting at work and RESTING :) Glad we are done, and looking forward to getting the place up and running.

Very humbling.

everyone is insane.. some more than others

There I was, standing in my boss' office, listening to his brainstorming of how I should deal with an issue that came up with a new account launch. Nothing earth shattering. And yet.. important enough to analyze the various ways we could proceed, and keep repeating the key points over and over. And then, in a flash of absurd awareness, he sighs and says: "God, I am repeating myself over and over. You must find me soo annoying!"

My eyeballs, which at that moment were rolled up, suddenly rolled back down and bulged a little. WTF, I thought, as thoughts of Socrates and an examined life suddenly made everything much more interesting. Could it be?! Did my manager just take a small step towards transcending his own monkey brain? I was eagerly awaiting the logical conclusion, something close to: "You know what to do, go do it."

Not so fast. Awareness disappeared as quickly as it appeared. Poof, gone. My boss was BACK, better than ever! "Ok, so what I would do, is call blah blah and email blah and cc blah and make sure that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Oh, and remember, we need to blah blah blah blah. OR. Let me see. Hmm. Maybe we should blah blah blah."

My eye balls are tired of rolling.



So. Presented with clear glimpses of our own insanity, why do we so often chose NOT to examine it deeper? To ponder fresher, more mindful ways of thinking and acting. How honest are we with ourselves, really?

WHO IS DRIVING THE BUS?

cruisin

Alvie started crawling. It happened the weekend of her turning 10 months. Poolside, on a blanket, trying to reach some random blue thing.

Incredible to watch the tipping point of discovery. Lean forward, get up on one knee, almost take off with the other, sit back down. Repeat 20 times. And then, however jittery, the second knee takes off and Alvie takes a little step, eyes gleaming with concentration and wonder. She then sits back down, relaxes into a huge smile, and joins the applause. And so begins the great crawlin.

Coming back to earth from the sublime joy, wife and I quickly understood two things.

One - gotta watch her even more now. I couldnt believe how quickly Alvie can start at point A and end at point B - head first. Gravity 101 for her, and Change 701 for us.

Two - once in the crib, Alvie proceeds to roll, crawl back, and sit up in all of about 2 seconds. Every time. Ah, Alvie, dearest, its 10pm. Why dont you give mommy and daddy a hint of free time. A whiff. Maybe a gentle breeze from Free Time city. Pretty please? My Sinatra interpretations are now useless..

All part of the struggle. Sublime, ordinary, difficult, effortless. All changing, all flowing. And yes, the struggle is enough. And then some.