and I'm feeling good

wake up 4 minutes before the alarm
25 minutes of insight meditation
100mg of 5-HTP

and now I'm just swimming.. not wondering where or how fast or why even. just swimming.. and feeling good.

Praxis

Wiki defines praxis as the process by which a theory, lesson, or skill is enacted or practiced, embodied and/or realized. And so it seems that if knowledge and realization are the ying, then praxis has got to be the yang. It also seems that while the ying in this case is more of an organic, implicit unfolding, driven largely by circumstance, curiosity, and intellectual integrity (read: traits that are largely outside of our control), the yang of praxis is where the real action lies. If there is any substantive free will, I suspect it is right here, in my capacity to align my actions with my highest aspirations.

Alas, it is also amazingly difficult. Ha! Could it be any other way? No. Such is the price of free will. If there is any..

I have over the years become more able to observe and identify the various narrative flavors of my auto pilot existence. And a recent realization, one that has taken many months to fully come into focus, led me to observe the ever-present narrative of maximizing and advancing my own standing in this world. The continuous drive to be better off. It shapes and propels much of my drive, whether it is to get somewhere faster, save more money on car insurance, or so organize my afternoon as to derive as much enjoyment from it as possible. I am simply often hyper-aware of how this or that affects me, and what I can do to possibly make it better. FOR ME.

Now, this isn't all that out of place (I suspect most folks have this software running too), and, after all, it is great to save money on car insurance. Yet I have now come to realize the price I pay for running this narrative on an ONGOING basis. Put simply, it's suffering. Given the limited resources, time, and control over what actually happens, it seems the drive itself sets me up for continuous, unsatisfied yearning. One that keeps me in a perpetual state of stress, and even more importantly, one that's not aligned with one of the highest of aspirations - peace of mind.

Darting from one section of a department store to another the other day, I suddenly became aware of how miserable I felt. The drive to get my shopping done as quickly as possible, along with continuous deliberations on all things value and utility, were simply stressing me out. And then suddenly I heard myself say out loud... "Relax dude." I not only thought and said this, I also followed up with some deep breathing, slower walking, and a bit of a grin. Just like that. The result, however tenuous and short-lived, was less stress and a little more peace. I had to utter that "relax dude" a few more times, and in general the whole shopping experience was a lot more tolerable. What I specifically noticed was that it took not only awareness, but also a bit of work - a conscious intervention into the auto pilot.

Here is to praxis then. And to peace of mind. And to 50% off sales!

Moment

Last night Alvie (1.5 now) and I went out for a walk. The age of inquisitive curiosity has kicked in, and as we entered the elevator, I found myself beginning to explain to my daughter the amazing concept of the vertical dimension. Or put another way, the simple idea of how we live above ground level, and that DOWN is where we were going. I even picked her up and we both stared through the little elevator door window at the lower floors gently gliding upwards.

This wasn't the first time. I have tried this from many an angle - from outside pointing at our windows, from inside looking out the window, from the elevator, even the stairs. But this time...

As we neared the ground floor, the elevator slowed down and the image of the well lit lobby came up as if in slow motion. The door opened, we stepped out, and I ended my brief lecture with a final "See?". It was then that time stopped. Alvie's eyes bulged out, her mouth opened slightly, and a long and suggestive "uuuh" escaped her mouth.

There it was - right in my arms - a mind expanding. It blew my mind. For a brief moment, there was no past, no future, no narrative. There was simply awe. It reduced me to the simplest form of witnessing something wonderful.

This moment alone could be the answer to so many questions.

from the convo I just had with myself

So I was thinking of my friend's lamenting his situation at work... his boss being an ass and all. The inevitable dynamic of manager and managee, with all the appropriate trappings of the managee's convictions of his boss riding him too much. Or not appreciating the work that he does. Or not helping in times you are convinced you have too much on your plate. Or for nonsensical criticism. Not always, but true for far too many. And for most, thats work - meaning half of waking hours for a huge chunk of life. So for a large portion of your life, you are engaged in an endeavor that if fraught with unfriendliness and, at times, belligerence. I may be painting in stark colors, but the gist is clear.
But that aint even the biggest issue.. The grand daddy issue of the whole capitalistic endeavour is that its paramount priority is maximizing the shareholders' value. There is that, and then there is everything else, way way down. Bypassing aspects of our existence that are not insignificant. Bypassing our physical, as well as our mental health; our well being. All in the name of more profits, bigger houses, and faster cars.
Never mind that we pay next to nothing to our teachers and next to everything to our professional athletes. Never mind that we work our doctors into utter exhaustion. We are deliberately bypassing our own well being!
But oh how sweet it all seems at the beginning. You enter a world that values success - what can be better? You are seduced. I came in wanting to prove myself, wanting to matter. You begin at first by paying attention and memorizing a whole bunch of marginally important stuff. Ready to regurgitate this drivel at a moment's notice. Ready to analyze the shit out of anything. And then you really make it by coming up with a way to save your clients a little dough, often by paying less to the government. Or you figure out how to sell false hope. Or make people believe they really want something.
Moreover, and this is where shit gets even more real, this system drives our government. Our ELECTED officials receive corporate funding, and in turn make it possible for companies to lower their standards across the board, be it Monsanto or BP. This is the system in which we find ourselves. In which most of us voluntarily participate. In which we work, pay taxes, vote, raise our kids. Our system. I sincerely hope our grand grand children will look at this level of mass ignorance the way we now consider Holocaust, or slavery. Would be asking the same of us: "Really? And you didnt stop to think about it? And WHAT WERE you thinking about??"

Uh, you see, the plasma tv I have wanted for a while now is on sale at Target.

And yet.. the dude abides.

rolled up sleeves

One thing that consistently makes me feel happier is reading and learning. It's that stretching of my mind, the widening of the window I have onto myself and this world. Not only is there genuine awe and wonder, but your mind is also occupied and has no chance to tune back to the angst. I mean damn, I simply hadn't heard of current concerns about uncontrolled proliferation of nanotech, or the Fermi paradox, until just a few hours ago. And the ride is sweet.

Note to self.. Boredom and misery are in part just our imaginations lacking.

random

at the moment, there seems to be a shortage of juice.. that rejuvenating force within that makes you roll up your sleeves and say lets do this shit.. there is a huge loss, of course, and I suspect that no matter how well I think I have adapted, its full effect has yet to come.. and there is parenthood :) boy, didnt see that coming did we? its the sleep, stupid! dont underestimate sleep.. but it's even more than that.. a deeper, more subtle juice.. does it really matter? why does it seem that on balance, things aint that peachy? that it may not be all good? that to come up with a way to think otherwise is tantamount to building a pretty facade?

of course, this all could be a delusion just the same.. talk about fractals..

things that were good, real good, seem transparent.. staged.. empty? mindfulness and flow seem to be contradictory.. the bad isnt as bad, as if the mind has learned a new trick.. but all pointing the same way.. who cares? no one.. I am not me and there isnt a single other human being that will ever know me, or be on the same page (except for those brilliant, fleeting moments of connection..) when you see it all the way (I have bad vision..), it seems you are ultimately alone and stuck with a brain that does its own shit.. great. now what? where do we go from there and why should we?

should we go at all? at the moment, it seems that we should, to not go at all seems especially closed minded.. of all the illusions, the changing nature of things does seem more real :) (simple optimism vs pessimism?)

so.. its the juice. but we gotta make juice.. it seems that work is required, a certain kind of getientate ;) AND, you gotta do it unconditionally, thats the key.. pay it forward. get up, work, sweat a little, and then see whats happening.. even if no fruit is forthcoming, you got up and worked up a sweat.. the ol' 'struggle is enough'.. its evident, however, that there are times when you straight up dont think the struggle is enough and would break both legs of anyone who'd claim otherwise... permanent limitation? are drugs necessary? positive psychology? more sleep? anything?

hmm. will continue pondering

so presumably, you begin your path with a strong understanding of the other.. you quickly realize that its a me vs them type of game, and you get good at it.. the intuitive and rampant judging that originates somewhere in the bowls of your brain, then broadcast on every channel of your consciousness.. is almost inevitable. until, one day you realize it works both ways.. great, they think I am crazy too. and then, perchance, you realize you agree with them.. you see, we are all in this crazy boat, together, trying to duke it out, trying to make more money, trying to own more things, shinier things, trying to make everyone think you are less crazy and way cool! trying to make things happen just the way you thought they ought to've.. trying to matter, to make something of yourself, to leave a mark.

you gotta smile
in fact, some of the best fun I have is rewinding my trains of thought.. hilarious

of course, you dont wanna walk around and be visibly laughing at yourself.. people might think you are crazy